Forget COVID, We've Got Bigger Fish to Fry

The shrinking penis pandemic is leading us to extinction

Fellas, I’ve got some devastating news.

An environmental scientist has warned that plastic pollution is shrinking penises and making men infertile, meaning most of them won’t be able to produce sperm by 2045.

Summit News

Well, shit.

The culprit is a chemical that we use in plastics to give it its flexibility, called “phthalates”. It’s being transmitted to humans by literally everything. It’s gotten so bad that it’s affecting babies in the womb.

This throws a wrench into the natural human development process and the result is more babies being born with small dicks. And not just small dicks, lower sperm counts, too.

The small dick thing is a bummer, for sure, but the male species would evolve. Instead of hitting the bis, tris, glutes, and calves at the gym, we’d be working out our genioglossus, hyoglossus, styloglossus, and palatoglossus.

We’d be doing the ABCs so fast it’d make your head spin.

So yeah, we’d do just fine with the small dicks. I think our collective masculinity could handle it. Half of guys already do.

What concerns me is the plummeting sperm count. From 1977-2017 the total sperm count in western countries was down 50%.

50% !!!

It’s not just us either. A 38-year study which concluded in 2011 puts that number even higher, at 60%, if you include Europe, Australia, and New Zealand.

The fertility rate is also dropping big time. In 2016 it was down to its lowest level on record at 59.8 births per 1,000 women and saw a sharp decline of 9% in only 4 years from 2007-2011. Of course, this has a lot to do with progressing societal norms and an increasing number of career-focused women, which generally means fewer children.

Just awful news for Homosapiens as a whole. Talk about adversity.

Could not have come at a worse time, either, when we’re all walking around with pieces of plastic strapped to our faces…

Throw in the fact that Generation Z hates fucking and the human race might be extinct before my grandson even has to worry about his tiny dick because he won’t exist.