Good boys and girls get fired

K9s jobs + Consumers wigging out + WTOTY + Astros PR + Boring in Ft. Lauderdale + Idiot Buffet

Hello Idiots!

A few knuckleballs to take you into the weekend.

If someone sent you this email, they’re telling you to sign up. You can do that here:

#CANNABIS

Good boys and girls get fired

In Albuquerque, NM a bunch of good boys and girls are being either laid off or forced into early retirement following the legalization of marijuana.

Unfortunately, even the goodest of K9s are unable to communicate to police officers the difference between a pinch of the devil’s lettuce and a pound of brown sugar.

That means a search warrant obtained by way of wet noses could violate a person’s rights, so doggos have 2 options: find a new job, or start digging up those bones buried in the backyard.

My guess is most of them opt for early retirement. After all, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Or can you?

“Once the new canines are trained, the handlers will have the option of retiring their current assigned canine to their home, or we will look at other options to the likes of donating them to other law enforcement entities outside of the state of New Mexico who have yet to legalize marijuana.”

- New Mexico State Police

#ECONOMY

Consumers are violently spending their pandemic savings

Total consumer credit rose by 10%, or $35B, in May. Consumers put more money on their credit cards than they have in 5 years.

That’s because we (America) saved over $2.6T (with a T) over the course of the pandemic. Worldwide that number jumps to $5.4T.

This is excellent news because consumer spending accounts for 2/3 of the country’s economic activity, and it looks like people will continue revenge spending those savings throughout the summer.

Speaking of summer, it’s here and has everyone pulling the stops when it comes to looking their best.

And it’s not just lipstick, sundresses, and Balenciaga Crocs, toupee and wig store sales are up 75% for the period of May 2020-2021 compared to Feb 2019-2020!

#BASKETBALL

Found: WTOTY1

This happened last week but I couldn’t get it out of my head:

I’m not sure what Chris Paul did to Frank Kaminsky (the big goofy white guy), but it must’ve been bad.

He must have banged his girlfriend, or mowed his lawn without his permission, or snuck into his house in the middle of the night and adjusted the thermostat.

Or all 3!

Because I haven’t seen disregard for a teammate’s well-being this blatant since Delonte West slept with his teammate’s mother.2

So it was something to that effect, or maybe Kaminsky even went as far as hiring Patrick Beverley himself to take Paul out, and Beverley just couldn’t get the job done.

It’s the only reasonable explanation, because we know that Kaminsky wanted absolutely nothing to do with helping out his point guard:

Whether or not he put the hit out on Paul or not, we’ll never know.

The only thing we know for sure is that Frank “the Tank” Kaminsky does not give a singular f*ck:

P.S. Suns in 4

#BASEBALL

Grading the Houston Astros All-Stars’ public relations (PR) skills

Carlos Correa and Jose Altuve made their 2nd and 7th All-Star Games this year, respectively.

Unfortunately(?), they won’t be playing on Tuesday night due to the fact that they are cheaters who do not have the required equipment (balls) to step foot inside a locker room full of guys who might have reason to believe they took something from them.

Not a single person in possession of a functioning brain believes anything coming out of the mouth of anyone who played on the 2017 Astros, especially not these 2 bozos.

With that being said, let’s evaluate their individual performances in the art of the spin-zone (read: PR).

Just way too many words out of Correa here. There’s absolutely no reason to spend more than 2 minutes on this. That’s about 100 seconds too long. Especially when you’ve got the pregnant wife card in your back pocket.

You play that card right off the bat, that way YOU control the narrative.

Grade: D+

Much better job by Altuve! Night and day, really.

Short, sweet, and to the point. He thanked the fans, said he needed to rest, and put the team first.

Class, class, class!

Grade: A+

Two other Astros were selected to the All-Star Game: Michael Brantley and Ryan Pressly. They will be playing in the summer classic.

For those keeping score at home: Brantley and Pressly were not members of the 2017 Houston Astros.

#ELONMUSK

Musk wants to build another Boring tunnel

I don’t what it is about underground tunnels, but Elon Musk f*cking loves making plans to build them.

The city of Ft. Lauderdale accepted a proposal from The Boring Company to build one connecting downtown FLL to the beach.

The proposed cost? $10-12M per mile x 6 miles = $60-72M.

A 6-mile underground tunnel in South Florida, which is built on limestone, for only $72M?

The Boring Company is building a similar tunnel in Ontario, Canada right now. The initial estimated cost for that was $45M.

It turns out that number was way off. The final bid came in at $85M. That tunnel is only 4 miles long.

And for those reasons, I’m out.

Just like I doubt Musk will follow through on the proposed tunnel under the Brickell Avenue Bridge here in Miami, I highly doubt this Ft. Lauderdale project will ever see the light of day.

IDIOT BUFFET

How to get rich in the stock market: join Congress. The Pelosis have made some suspiciously timed trades 🤔

Now youzz in New Yawwkkk!

WTF is going on in Haiti? The president, Jovenel Moïse, was ASSASSINATED in his home early Wednesday morning. Haitian police have arrested 2 Americans (from South Florida) and 15 Colombian nationals.

Kurt Warner’s story is pretty damn inspiring: he went from bagging groceries to winning a Super Bowl. So inspiring that they’re making a movie about it. Except I think it’s a parody? I mean, this can’t be serious, right? YOU tell me:

Putting yesterday’s market “crash” into perspective:


Whatcha say we make it a great weekend? ✊

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Worst Teammate of the Year